i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
