i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
