fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
two words: eviction party
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize