My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I FOUND THE LEGS
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize