I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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