I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize
