When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
