I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
