Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
