and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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