if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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