it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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