All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
