So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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