I'm sorry my penis didn't work
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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