Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
