Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
it's like iHOP with fire
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
