so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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