I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
