i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize