i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
