M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
