That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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