I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
