did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
