Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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