I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
