Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
