I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
