I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
