If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
