Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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