So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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