My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
