I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
