Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
