worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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