Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
