There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
