Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
