Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
