Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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