hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
