Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
