Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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