I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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