i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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