Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
