My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
