i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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