hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
