Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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