I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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