wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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