I'm so fucking centered right now
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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