I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize