Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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