Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
We talked him into tasing himself.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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