Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize