My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
