Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
