Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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