im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
