I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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